NAVIGATING MODERN ROMANCE

When I saw Aziz Ansari had a book out, I was in the height of my Parks and Rec binging stage. Tom Haverford is easily one of my favorite TV characters of all times. So when I saw that his book was a really well-researched book about dating, I was a little confused but mostly intrigued. Within 48 hours I was a proud owner of Modern Romance. As I have been navigating the dating scene myself and watching a fair amount of Friends and Sex and the City, I couldn't have read this book at a more perfect time. The characters in these TV shows were a bit older than me, so dating is already different for them, but the key difference is that they come from a very different era of dating: one with significantly less technology. 

So, how does technology play a role in dating these days? For a more in depth answer, you should read Modern Romance.* But I am going to break down some of the ways that Aziz talks about in simple form, and I am going to talk about what that means for us twenty-somethings navigating modern romance. 

So you both swiped right. 

This generally means that you both agree the other one is attractive--or at least you wrote a decent bio. Aziz did a lot of research about the use of online dating, including Tinder. For those of you who don't know it is an app to find singles in your area. You upload a few pictures and a little bio. Then you swipe through profiles of people in your area (or a little farther away depending on you "Discovery Settings"). You swipe right if you like the other person and left if you aren't interested. So if you both swipe right, you "match", which generally shows mutual interest. While the process of swiping is simple, what comes next is more complicated. 

(See: 7 Rules of dating and Why They Are Dumb)

So you are getting strange messages. 

Online dating is weird. Aziz has an entire section dedicated to what he calls "The Modern Bozo." This guy doesn't act like a normal human being, because he can hide behind a screen. He doesn't treat messaging like he would a normal face-to-face encounter. He's a freak. The thing is there is a fine line between being strange and being creepy or gross. I'm not sure what is more concerning: the fact that they are sending crazy messages or the fact that they would be interested in someone who replied to these messages. 

This message was actually sent to my friend, Grace. 

So you are texting.

Hopefully not all of your messaging experiences are going poorly. Texting can be similar to messaging in that it is much easier to say things over texting, which can lead to saying things you might not normally say to someone. It is much less personal than a phone call or talking face-to-face. So you have to be careful. If it sounds like something that you normally wouldn't feel comfortable saying to someone you could potentially date in person, then you probably shouldn't say it. What about when you're on the receiving end? If a message seems a little bit off, chances are it is. I'm not saying let a person's texting style completely diminish their personality in real life. But be weary of the people who take 8 hours to respond to a text or come on too strong early on. I once had a guy that I had met one time tell he missed me after we had barely talked. That's not normal. 

(See: First Dates: Expectations Vs Reality)

So you are ready to DTR. 

Defining the relationship is always tricky. When is too soon? Do you really want to be exclusive with this person? Can you miss a window and slip into the ever-feared "friend zone"? The thing is you don't want to jump into something too early. There is a natural progression in relationships, and there is no need to become exclusive after a couple of dates. Take some time and figure out if it is really what you want and if you really want to make the commitment to this person.

So you are considering an open relationship. 

It is so important to be clear on this. How could anyone forget the infamous "WE WERE ON A BREAK" of Friends? If you are in a relationship, you need to be honest about what the boundaries of the relationship are at all times. Aziz describes the varying levels of commitment people can have to each other through open relationships. Some people allow their significant other's to stray from the relationship under certain conditions that they both agree upon. Everyone has a different take on this subject, because some people believe that they need sexual novelty to be happy, while others can't fathom the idea of their partner being with another person to any extent.
Related story: One example from Modern Romance was of a woman that told her husband he could cheat as long as she never suspected a thing, and if she ever asked about it, he had to tell the truth. On a trip to Hawaii for her birthday she decided to ask him, and he responded by telling her that she probably didn't want to ask this on her birthday. But she insisted. He admitted he had been with 26 other women--they had only been married 13 months. Needless to say the marriage didn't last very long after that.

So you are losing interest. 

In a time where a seemingly-unlimited amount of new options can now be at your finger tips, it is easy to get in the mentality that there could be something better around the corner. You are always wondering if there is someone else out there that you could have a better connection with or more exciting dates. If you aren't in an exclusive relationship, you might be pursuing multiple people at one time, especially if you have a vast dating pool to choose from. This also means that you can easily lose interest in someone who isn't meeting your expectations or isn't providing the level of excitement you are looking for. 

So you are reading articles like, "Why You Need Puppies, Not Boyfriends" or "9 Reasons Why Guacamole Is Better Than a Boyfriend." 

At times it might be tempting to scroll through potential dates until you get the "there are no more people around you right now" kind of notification. All of the sudden everyone around you is coupling up and you are feeling single as ever. It's a weird time in your life when you are comparing guac and potential suitors (obviously we know which one is better). But know for every couple you spot holding hands, there are six more girls stressing over a text that a guy hasn't sent yet.*** So realize that there is nothing wrong with taking it easy, and not stressing over the dating scene right now. Some people might think people who say they love being single are lying, and maybe some of them are. But especially as a young adult there are so many beautiful reasons to be single. You are learning so much about who you are and what you want, and at least for me, I know that is changing every day. 

Related: College Guys: Expectations Vs Reality

Modern Romance was one of the best books I have read in a while. Aziz's book says way more than I could ever try to cover, but I wanted to share my interpretations of his book mixed with my own experiences and other readings. My hope is that as you continue navigating the dating scene you are more conscious of the role that technology is playing in your relationships (or potential relationships). Whether you are seeing someone who acts different in person than text or just reading a lot of articles about dating, consider that technology is most likely affecting your perceptions of dating in many ways.

*This is my own unsolicited advice. It's a great book--you should check it out. Since it's Aziz, it is not only super informative, but it will make you laugh out loud--guaranteed or your money back.**

**Just kidding, I made that part up.
***This is might not be a real vetted statistic, but I could go into a room and find at least 6 girls waiting for a guy to text them back. 

7 RULES OF DATING (& WHY THEY ARE DUMB)

Raise your hand if you are sick of reading Cosmo and trying to figure out how to push past all these frogs to find Prince Charming. Anyone? I know it can't be just me. We spend all of this time weeding through the ones who are still in love with their exes or constitute walking around Shopko as a date. Then when we find a halfway decent date, we find out that the game has only just begun. Wait, aren't we trying to avoid playing games, you say. I carefully chose that word, because when you follow the "rules" of dating, you are playing along.

1. Don't text back right away.

Wouldn't want to seem too eager, now, would we? For most of us our phones are like another limb; they are always with us. Clearly we all have lives. We spend time with friends, we work and go to school. But if someone texts you, and you are available to text this person back, why do you have to fret over how much time is appropriate to wait before responding to a text back? Will this person really think that you don't have a life if sometimes you text them back in a timely manner?

2. Don't appear too interested.

You probably shouldn't say I love you on the second date. However, acting too indifferent can come off as completely uninterested, and you don't want that either.

Related: The Ethics of Crushes

3. Appear busy on the first date that they suggest to go out, whether or not you are actually busy. 

This is almost the same thing as not texting back right away. It is basically supposed to show that you have a life. So again, if the first date that they suggest works for you, why wait?

4. Don't let things get too physical too fast. 

This one is a good idea--to a point. When is too soon for the physical part of a relationship? Can you kiss on the first date? Perhaps, a hug is appropriate at first. Should you follow Sex and the City's 3rd date rule? It's one thing if the guy only wants to meet up later in the night instead of going on an actual date. But the connection is either there or not. There is no magic formula for how quickly a relationship should progress. You just have to go at a pace that is comfortable for you--remember that.

5. Be mysterious.

I'm not saying you should tell your whole life story before the breadsticks hit the table. But this is dating, not detective work.

6. Know something about what he is interested--but don't know too much. You don't want to end up in the Bro Zone, after all. 

This one is ridiculous. Do you guys know what the Bro Zone is? Is it even a thing? It is supposed to be the girl version of getting "friend zoned", which I think is a completely ridiculous concept in the first place.

Related: First Dates: Expectations VS Reality

7. Don't be too picky.

Sometimes people act like if only you weren't looking for this one specific thing you wouldn't be single. But looking for a guy who flosses and actually goes to school is not picky--it's called having standards. Don't feel bad about that. Similarly, it can be easy to think you are into someone just because they like you. It doesn't have to be that way. Make sure that you find someone that you are genuinely interested in and picture a relationship with before jumping into anything.

The point is stop playing the game. Make up your own rules, and stop stressing over all of the little details. When you really click with someone these things shouldn't matter. If you spend all of your time thinking about everything before you do it, you will find yourself trying to be someone you are not. And you will be dating people for all the wrong reasons.

TOP 10 FAVORITE TV COUPLES

*Spoiler Alert* I apologize if you have one of these shows on your to-watch list, and you don't already know that these couples get together. But when you watch it actually happen, I promise it will still be magical, because these couples are meant to be. 

10. April and Andy // Parks and Rec

Admittedly, I was a little weirded out when April first had a crush on Andy. But as soon as I realized how perfect they actually are for each other, I was on board. 

9. Marshall and Lily // How I Met Your Mother

Forget Ted. Marshall and Lily are my favorite part about this show. They really get each other, and they are always supportive of each other, no matter what ridiculous idea Marshall has. 

8. Mindy and Danny  // The Mindy Project

Mindy had a few different boyfriends before Danny. Then they went through the whole "will they, won't they thing" for a while--which is always exciting, yet frustrating. Mindy's old boyfriends were okay, but I am team Danny and Mindy forever. 

7. Brooke and Julian // One Tree Hill

Brooke Davis is one of my favorite fictional characters of all time. Seeing her happiness with Julian was one of my favorite parts of this whole series. Every girl dreams that a man would love her as much as Julian loves Brooke. This is the stuff in fairytales. 

6. Ben and Leslie // Parks and Rec

Who wouldn't love a guy got eclairs in the shape of the first letter of their name? (Hint to future love-interests: I feel like a T wouldn't be that difficult to make happen). Plus, Ben resigns from his job just so that they can be together. That's commitment. 

5. Nick and Jess // New Girl

I swear they are meant to be together, and I don't understand why they would ever break up. These two are great friends and all, but I think they are much better in a relationship. 

4. Monica and Chandler // Friends

Ross and Rachel are overrated. The real couple in this show is Monica and Chandler. I mean look at them; they are perfect together. 

3. Jim and Pam // The Office

Just look at the way he looks at her. As I said in one of my recent posts, work relationships might not be the best idea, unless you are Jim and Pam. I fully support this relationship. 

2. Blair and Chuck // Gossip Girl

Admittedly, Chuck and Blair have a somewhat rocky past. But the couple you should be rooting for is never Dan and Serena. These two are a power couple. 

1. Nathan and Haley // One Tree Hill

It's crazy, because when the show starts this seems like the least-likely combination. It never even crossed my mind that they might become friends. Her best friend just happens to be his enemy (and half brother). Yet, these two ended up being my favorite TV couple of all time. 

These are only a few of the fictional relationships that I have loved watch develop. They have made me smile and laugh. And I can only hope that some day I have a relationship with this level of awesomeness. 

What are some of your favorite TV romances?

A LOVE LETTER TO SUMMER

Dear Summer,

I have never been in love. I have been in lust (as you can see here, here, and here). But with you it's different. I promise this isn't something I say to every other season.

The time I spend with you is extra special, because I know it cannot last forever. But the truth is I am happiest when you are around. You invite endless adventure and time to do everything I put off during the rest of the year. My smile is a little bit brighter when I'm with you. And I get a little sad when I think about what it will be like without you, but I am appreciative of the time I have with you now. 

I could spend hours gazing at the lakes on the warm summer nights. Mornings by the lake are serene. Afternoons by the lake are lively. And nights by the lake are a part of some of my favorite memories. 

I know our relationship isn't always healthy, but sometimes you just want a little danger in your life for the thrill of it. You know? I'm tempted to forget the SPF 30, because of the beautiful glow I know I could have. But I know it's not good for me.

It makes me giddy just thinking about all the fun times we still have ahead of us. The late night talks that last until we are convinced we have uncovered the meaning of life at 3am. The random ice cream runs, because it is too hot to eat anything else. And the spontaneous adventures that turn into stories we will tell for years.

I'm usually not one to broadcast my relationships, but I want the world to know about our love affair. I am madly and hopelessly in love with you, Summer.

 

FIRST DATES: EXPECTATIONS VS REALITY

First dates can go one of two ways: you either have a blast and find someone you want to date, or you sit there planning your escape route.

Your first date experience is probably going to vary depending on where you met your date and whether or not you already know them. If you just met the person you are going out with, you might be a little more nervous. In your head, you want to come off as cool and carefree. After all, first impressions are everything, right? But what really happens when you are in the moment?

If you have never met your date in person before, you have to think about your first interaction.

Expectation: You will be really smooth and make him fall in love at first sight. 

Reality: Did we just hive five?

 

Expectation: You will be flirty and make fun conversation. 

Reality: You blurt out the first thing that comes to mind.

Expectation: You realize you are completely infatuated by the person, and the conversation just comes easily. 

Reality: There's a lull in the conversation, so you start talking about things on the table.

I'm just going to keep sipping on water and hope he didn't hear me. 

Expectation: He asks you to tell him more about yourself, and you want to tell him about involved you are. You are passionate, yet spontaneous, and you are always open to new experiences.

Reality: All you can think of is how you spent all of last night studying, and the highlight of your week was watching Netflix.

Expectation: Your date will charm you with his funny side.

Reality: His sense of humor is completely opposite of yours, and you have no idea how to react.

Sometimes it takes a few first dates and awkward experiences before you find someone you actually want to keep dating. There's nothing wrong with that. Think of it this way: every bad date is a great story. You can look back on the situation and laugh about it. Plus, when you find the one worth dating, you will be glad the other dates didn't work out. 

And when the first date goes well, you will know it, because reality will meet your expectations. 

8 Times Netflix Was Your Bad Night's Saving Grace

Ah, Netflix. It is always there for us. Whether you are looking to unwind or find something to cheer you up after a long night, you can count on Netflix to have something for you.

1. Problem: You had a fight with your best friend

Solution: One Tree Hill: Peyton and Brooke have one of the best friendships of all time. Through ups and downs (and psycho kidnappers who pretend to be long-lost family members), these girls always have each other. So you had a fight with a friend. If she’s a true friend, you guys will get through this, and things will be back to normal before you know it.

2. Problem: You embarrassed yourself in front of everyone

Solution: How I Met Your Mother: Anyone remember Robin Sparkles? We all have embarrassing stories from our past, but who knows embarrassment better than a former Canadian pop start whose hit single was about going to the mall? If you haven’t seen this throwback video to Robin’s past, look it up now. It will change your life (or at least hopefully your night).

3. Problem: You found out your SO cheated

Solution: Friends: When someone you’re into hooks up with someone else, it hurts. Even if you were “on a break” or hadn’t officially defined the relationship, you don’t want to see someone you care about with someone else. Rachel, Monica, Phoebe, Ross, Chandler, and Joey will always be there for you, because how do you watch an episode without laughing out loud?

4. Problem: Someone tried to bring you down

Solution: Mean Girls: “Cady Heron, you are a mean girl.” Unfortunately mean girls aren’t just in movies. Sometimes you are going to encounter people that take pleasure in other people’s misery, and you have to learn to brush it off. A night spent with Karen trying to explain how her boobs can tell when it’s raining (because of her ESPN) might be just what you need.

5. Problem: You broke up with your boyfriend

Solution: New Girl: Who could forget when Jess first moved in with the guys because she had broken up with her boyfriend? She sat and watched Dirty Dancing on repeat and sobbed into a pile of tissues. And if you think that would work for you, Dirty Dancing is also on Netflix. But a good laugh with Zooey Deschanel will definitely turn your night around.

6. Problem: You drunk called/texted your ex

Solution: 21 & Over: In college, you are inevitably going to have the “Why did I do that?” kind of night. You will make mistakes. You will do things that you normally wouldn’t, and you will have to deal with the consequences. So calling or texting your ex wasn’t the best idea, but it happened, and you have to move on. The best thing to do in this situation is to realize that there are reasons that the relationship ended. It can be tempting to revisit old feelings, but in the end, it is probably not going to change anything. In 21 & Over, three friends learn that part of growing up is making mistakes, and those mistakes can help you mature and discover who you really want to be.

7. Problem: You saw your crush with someone else

Solution: Gilmore Girls: Who else was heartbroken watching Dean realize how much chemistry there was between Jess and Rory? It’s not easy seeing someone you are into hitting it off with someone else. But hopefully spending time with your favorite over-caffeinated Gilmores will help you forget about all of your worries. You can dream about what it would be like if you lived in Stars Hollow and how good a burger from Luke’s Diner really is.

8. Problem: You found out the person you’re into doesn’t want the same things

Solution: 13 Going On 30: Maybe the one you like is looking for different things. You are probably better moving on because you can’t force anyone to want the same things as you. Jenna wants nothing more than to be a desirable woman with a mature and attractive boyfriend. She shows that sometimes you have to be patient and open to other possibilities, and sometimes what you really need is right in front of you.

No matter what the situation is Netflix will always be there for you. Sometimes it helps to just know that someone else has experienced what you’re going through, and our favorite fictional characters have been through it all.

*This article was first published on Her Campus.

13 STAGES OF GETTING OVER A BREAKUP AS TOLD BY JESSICA DAY

The beginning of the relationship is always the best part. It's fun and new, and you still butterflies every time you see each other. The end is a different story. Endings are usually messy and hard, and someone ends up getting hurt. No matter who initiated the break up, it's an uncomfortable time and it's normal to have emotions about it.

When you're going through a break up, you are on an emotional roller coaster.

Stage 1: You're confused. You feel hurt and sad, and you keep replaying it over and over again in your head.

Stage 2: You have processed what has happened. You need ice cream and break up music. Stat!

Stage 3: You are pretty sure you will never meet anyone again, and you are destined to be single forever.

Stage 4: You are over it. You think.

Stage 5: It's time to move on and go out with your girls.

Stage 6: You realize you can finally appreciate all the cute guys around. Plus, going out with your friends is so much more fun when you are single.

Stage 7: You run into your Ex, and all of the feelings resurface.

Stage 8: Maybe you're not over it yet.

Stage 9: You blast music and rant about relationships with your friends.

Stage 10: You return to stage 2 for a little while.

Stage 11: You realize you are better off without him, and that everything is going to be okay.

Stage 12: You decided to take some time to be by yourself and not focus on guys for a while.

Stage 13: But then you get a new match on Tinder. Maybe guys aren't too bad, after all? I mean look at that smile.

In the end, you are single now. If you were dating for a while, it might take some getting used to. You go from being with someone who knows all your little quirks and likes/dislikes to having to start all over again. There's no rush to get back out there. That's something that comes with time, and there's something really gratifying about being on your own. In college, especially, you want the space to try to things and meet new people.

I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, and if you broke up, it means that your SO wasn't the one. Plus, if you were still trying to make that relationship work, you wouldn't be available to meet the one. Have you ever heard the song "Closing Time"? The best part is: Every new beginning comes from some other beginnings end.

Just remember, you are amazing, don't let the end of a relationship make you think anything different. And someday you will meet someone that realizes that and makes you wonder why you ever spent time being sad about this one.