NAVIGATING MODERN ROMANCE

When I saw Aziz Ansari had a book out, I was in the height of my Parks and Rec binging stage. Tom Haverford is easily one of my favorite TV characters of all times. So when I saw that his book was a really well-researched book about dating, I was a little confused but mostly intrigued. Within 48 hours I was a proud owner of Modern Romance. As I have been navigating the dating scene myself and watching a fair amount of Friends and Sex and the City, I couldn't have read this book at a more perfect time. The characters in these TV shows were a bit older than me, so dating is already different for them, but the key difference is that they come from a very different era of dating: one with significantly less technology. 

So, how does technology play a role in dating these days? For a more in depth answer, you should read Modern Romance.* But I am going to break down some of the ways that Aziz talks about in simple form, and I am going to talk about what that means for us twenty-somethings navigating modern romance. 

So you both swiped right. 

This generally means that you both agree the other one is attractive--or at least you wrote a decent bio. Aziz did a lot of research about the use of online dating, including Tinder. For those of you who don't know it is an app to find singles in your area. You upload a few pictures and a little bio. Then you swipe through profiles of people in your area (or a little farther away depending on you "Discovery Settings"). You swipe right if you like the other person and left if you aren't interested. So if you both swipe right, you "match", which generally shows mutual interest. While the process of swiping is simple, what comes next is more complicated. 

(See: 7 Rules of dating and Why They Are Dumb)

So you are getting strange messages. 

Online dating is weird. Aziz has an entire section dedicated to what he calls "The Modern Bozo." This guy doesn't act like a normal human being, because he can hide behind a screen. He doesn't treat messaging like he would a normal face-to-face encounter. He's a freak. The thing is there is a fine line between being strange and being creepy or gross. I'm not sure what is more concerning: the fact that they are sending crazy messages or the fact that they would be interested in someone who replied to these messages. 

This message was actually sent to my friend, Grace. 

So you are texting.

Hopefully not all of your messaging experiences are going poorly. Texting can be similar to messaging in that it is much easier to say things over texting, which can lead to saying things you might not normally say to someone. It is much less personal than a phone call or talking face-to-face. So you have to be careful. If it sounds like something that you normally wouldn't feel comfortable saying to someone you could potentially date in person, then you probably shouldn't say it. What about when you're on the receiving end? If a message seems a little bit off, chances are it is. I'm not saying let a person's texting style completely diminish their personality in real life. But be weary of the people who take 8 hours to respond to a text or come on too strong early on. I once had a guy that I had met one time tell he missed me after we had barely talked. That's not normal. 

(See: First Dates: Expectations Vs Reality)

So you are ready to DTR. 

Defining the relationship is always tricky. When is too soon? Do you really want to be exclusive with this person? Can you miss a window and slip into the ever-feared "friend zone"? The thing is you don't want to jump into something too early. There is a natural progression in relationships, and there is no need to become exclusive after a couple of dates. Take some time and figure out if it is really what you want and if you really want to make the commitment to this person.

So you are considering an open relationship. 

It is so important to be clear on this. How could anyone forget the infamous "WE WERE ON A BREAK" of Friends? If you are in a relationship, you need to be honest about what the boundaries of the relationship are at all times. Aziz describes the varying levels of commitment people can have to each other through open relationships. Some people allow their significant other's to stray from the relationship under certain conditions that they both agree upon. Everyone has a different take on this subject, because some people believe that they need sexual novelty to be happy, while others can't fathom the idea of their partner being with another person to any extent.
Related story: One example from Modern Romance was of a woman that told her husband he could cheat as long as she never suspected a thing, and if she ever asked about it, he had to tell the truth. On a trip to Hawaii for her birthday she decided to ask him, and he responded by telling her that she probably didn't want to ask this on her birthday. But she insisted. He admitted he had been with 26 other women--they had only been married 13 months. Needless to say the marriage didn't last very long after that.

So you are losing interest. 

In a time where a seemingly-unlimited amount of new options can now be at your finger tips, it is easy to get in the mentality that there could be something better around the corner. You are always wondering if there is someone else out there that you could have a better connection with or more exciting dates. If you aren't in an exclusive relationship, you might be pursuing multiple people at one time, especially if you have a vast dating pool to choose from. This also means that you can easily lose interest in someone who isn't meeting your expectations or isn't providing the level of excitement you are looking for. 

So you are reading articles like, "Why You Need Puppies, Not Boyfriends" or "9 Reasons Why Guacamole Is Better Than a Boyfriend." 

At times it might be tempting to scroll through potential dates until you get the "there are no more people around you right now" kind of notification. All of the sudden everyone around you is coupling up and you are feeling single as ever. It's a weird time in your life when you are comparing guac and potential suitors (obviously we know which one is better). But know for every couple you spot holding hands, there are six more girls stressing over a text that a guy hasn't sent yet.*** So realize that there is nothing wrong with taking it easy, and not stressing over the dating scene right now. Some people might think people who say they love being single are lying, and maybe some of them are. But especially as a young adult there are so many beautiful reasons to be single. You are learning so much about who you are and what you want, and at least for me, I know that is changing every day. 

Related: College Guys: Expectations Vs Reality

Modern Romance was one of the best books I have read in a while. Aziz's book says way more than I could ever try to cover, but I wanted to share my interpretations of his book mixed with my own experiences and other readings. My hope is that as you continue navigating the dating scene you are more conscious of the role that technology is playing in your relationships (or potential relationships). Whether you are seeing someone who acts different in person than text or just reading a lot of articles about dating, consider that technology is most likely affecting your perceptions of dating in many ways.

*This is my own unsolicited advice. It's a great book--you should check it out. Since it's Aziz, it is not only super informative, but it will make you laugh out loud--guaranteed or your money back.**

**Just kidding, I made that part up.
***This is might not be a real vetted statistic, but I could go into a room and find at least 6 girls waiting for a guy to text them back. 

7 REASONS TO BE THANKFUL FOR GUY FRIENDS

Every girl has a different relationship and level of closeness with her guy friends. But there are some things you can always count on from your best guy friends. As much as we love our girl friends, our guy friends are a necessary part of our lives. You might not be able to have an in depth conversation about their fantasy league, but you know that it is just part of the package. And you are definitely grateful to have them in your life anyway.

Here are some of the many reasons to be thankful for your guy friends:

1. They can give you a different perspective on things


2. They look out for you


3. They are always down for food


4. They will make sure you are educated on the important stuff


5. They will keep things exciting


6. They have weird problems that you pretend to understand, because they pretend to understand yours

7. They always have a weird way of saying something to make you feel better

Guys, I know this is an uber cheesy post, but I hope you know it's kind of cool that you're in my life or something.  Anyway, cheesy moment over. Well, one more thing: thanks for always being super encouraging and supportive. I'm pretty lucky to have you guys around.

7 RULES OF DATING (& WHY THEY ARE DUMB)

Raise your hand if you are sick of reading Cosmo and trying to figure out how to push past all these frogs to find Prince Charming. Anyone? I know it can't be just me. We spend all of this time weeding through the ones who are still in love with their exes or constitute walking around Shopko as a date. Then when we find a halfway decent date, we find out that the game has only just begun. Wait, aren't we trying to avoid playing games, you say. I carefully chose that word, because when you follow the "rules" of dating, you are playing along.

1. Don't text back right away.

Wouldn't want to seem too eager, now, would we? For most of us our phones are like another limb; they are always with us. Clearly we all have lives. We spend time with friends, we work and go to school. But if someone texts you, and you are available to text this person back, why do you have to fret over how much time is appropriate to wait before responding to a text back? Will this person really think that you don't have a life if sometimes you text them back in a timely manner?

2. Don't appear too interested.

You probably shouldn't say I love you on the second date. However, acting too indifferent can come off as completely uninterested, and you don't want that either.

Related: The Ethics of Crushes

3. Appear busy on the first date that they suggest to go out, whether or not you are actually busy. 

This is almost the same thing as not texting back right away. It is basically supposed to show that you have a life. So again, if the first date that they suggest works for you, why wait?

4. Don't let things get too physical too fast. 

This one is a good idea--to a point. When is too soon for the physical part of a relationship? Can you kiss on the first date? Perhaps, a hug is appropriate at first. Should you follow Sex and the City's 3rd date rule? It's one thing if the guy only wants to meet up later in the night instead of going on an actual date. But the connection is either there or not. There is no magic formula for how quickly a relationship should progress. You just have to go at a pace that is comfortable for you--remember that.

5. Be mysterious.

I'm not saying you should tell your whole life story before the breadsticks hit the table. But this is dating, not detective work.

6. Know something about what he is interested--but don't know too much. You don't want to end up in the Bro Zone, after all. 

This one is ridiculous. Do you guys know what the Bro Zone is? Is it even a thing? It is supposed to be the girl version of getting "friend zoned", which I think is a completely ridiculous concept in the first place.

Related: First Dates: Expectations VS Reality

7. Don't be too picky.

Sometimes people act like if only you weren't looking for this one specific thing you wouldn't be single. But looking for a guy who flosses and actually goes to school is not picky--it's called having standards. Don't feel bad about that. Similarly, it can be easy to think you are into someone just because they like you. It doesn't have to be that way. Make sure that you find someone that you are genuinely interested in and picture a relationship with before jumping into anything.

The point is stop playing the game. Make up your own rules, and stop stressing over all of the little details. When you really click with someone these things shouldn't matter. If you spend all of your time thinking about everything before you do it, you will find yourself trying to be someone you are not. And you will be dating people for all the wrong reasons.

THE ETHICS OF CRUSHES

My first crush was Tyler in the first grade. He lived in my neighborhood, and we rode the bus together. To be honest, I don't remember much else about him, but at six years old I discovered what it was like to get that little flutter in your heart that says you like someone. Crushes are fun. You can have one or you can have many. They can be someone you see every day or a celebrity that you swoon over every time you see them on the big screen (shoutout to my guy Joseph Gordon-Levitt). Sometimes if you're lucky, a crush can turn into something more. But there can also be gray areas with crushes, and there isn't exactly a rule book on how to deal with some of these things. 

Like most people I have dealt with the confusion and frustrations that can accompany the uncertainty of whether or not a crush could ever return your feelings. As I said, sometimes a crush leads to something more, and maybe you get your happy ever after. But what would happen to all those angsty songs about love and lust if every crush turned into a relationship? Tori Kelly's "All In My Head" perfectly describes the feeling when you start to realize your crush isn't going anywhere. "Time for me to move on now. It was probably just a silly crush anyway. But I just cant help but think that we, we could've had something." These people get us, because everyone experiences these feelings. 

When I stumbled upon this article where John Green discusses why girls shouldn't be put on a pedestal, it got me thinking about how easy that is to do with a crush. Having a crush doesn't have any requirements. You really don't actually have to know that much about a person for a crush to develop. 

crush (n): someone you are infatuated by and have a desire to be in close proximity with*

Sometimes--without meaning to--we start to fill in the gaps with what we want them to be. We imagine what it would be like if they returned our feelings, and we don't actually know what it would be like until we experience it.

At the end of this article about John Green, it thanks him for helping guide us through the ethics of crushes, which got me thinking. What are the the ethics of crushes?

On liking your friends. When you spend a lot of time around someone, you either start to get really annoyed by them or start liking them more and more. I always think of Harry in "When Harry Met Sally" when he tells Sally that men and women can't be friends, because there is always sexual tension--even if just on one side. While I don't know if I believe that, I know that sometimes the lines start to blur, and feelings can develop. But keep in mind, while you can be friends with your exes, if you cross the line with a friend things likely won't be the same as before. 

On celeb crushes. Keep rocking these--unless you have an uncontrollable obsession for any member of One Direction (current or past members), in that case: shut it down. For the most part celebrity crushes are pretty safe. You can watch Ryan Gosling movies all day long and lust after his beautiful smiles, and as Emma Stone so nicely puts, his abs look like they are Photoshopped. 

On liking your coworkers. This is kind of similar to crushing on a close friend. You spend a lot of time together, you think they are really cute, and so the "work-crush" develops. The thing about the "work-crush" is that since you work together, sometimes it is best left as a crush (unless your names are Jim and Pam). 

On admitting feelings for someone other than your SO. This puts you and that other person in an awkward position, and you are not being fair to your SO. If you are not happy with the relationship you are in, that's something that you need to work through and think about whether or not you want to continue it. By telling someone you have feelings for them when you are in a relationship you are saying: (1) I like you, but not enough to risk losing the relationship I am in if you don't feel the same way, and (2) I am going to keep seeing this other person if you don't tell me you feel the same. 

On a person of authority. Let's all take a moment to acknowledge how creepy it would actually be if Ezra and Aria were real people. Pretty Little Liars is fictional for a reason, friends. In real life we wouldn't be cheering this couple on, we would be indulging in the gossip surrounding the fact that a teacher is secretly dating his minor student. Gross. Having a little crush on your young TA with adorable dimples is one thing. But crushes on teachers, bosses, etc. should probably stay as crushes. 

On random crushes. Personally, these are my favorite. That guy that always rings you up in the dining hall. Your friend's friend that you never actually talk to. You know exactly who I am talking about. We might not actually know anything about them, but we perk up just a little when we see them.

The thing about the ethics of crushes is that sometimes your head might want to play by the rules, but your heart has other ideas. Face it: your heart is a rebel, and it wants what it wants. But if your head can stay ahead of your heart, then you are golden. Now, excuse me while I go watch 500 Days of Summer, and pray that some day my Tom comes along (preferably in the form of Joseph Gordon-Levitt).

*My own definition. 

FIRST DATES: EXPECTATIONS VS REALITY

First dates can go one of two ways: you either have a blast and find someone you want to date, or you sit there planning your escape route.

Your first date experience is probably going to vary depending on where you met your date and whether or not you already know them. If you just met the person you are going out with, you might be a little more nervous. In your head, you want to come off as cool and carefree. After all, first impressions are everything, right? But what really happens when you are in the moment?

If you have never met your date in person before, you have to think about your first interaction.

Expectation: You will be really smooth and make him fall in love at first sight. 

Reality: Did we just hive five?

 

Expectation: You will be flirty and make fun conversation. 

Reality: You blurt out the first thing that comes to mind.

Expectation: You realize you are completely infatuated by the person, and the conversation just comes easily. 

Reality: There's a lull in the conversation, so you start talking about things on the table.

I'm just going to keep sipping on water and hope he didn't hear me. 

Expectation: He asks you to tell him more about yourself, and you want to tell him about involved you are. You are passionate, yet spontaneous, and you are always open to new experiences.

Reality: All you can think of is how you spent all of last night studying, and the highlight of your week was watching Netflix.

Expectation: Your date will charm you with his funny side.

Reality: His sense of humor is completely opposite of yours, and you have no idea how to react.

Sometimes it takes a few first dates and awkward experiences before you find someone you actually want to keep dating. There's nothing wrong with that. Think of it this way: every bad date is a great story. You can look back on the situation and laugh about it. Plus, when you find the one worth dating, you will be glad the other dates didn't work out. 

And when the first date goes well, you will know it, because reality will meet your expectations. 

13 STAGES OF GETTING OVER A BREAKUP AS TOLD BY JESSICA DAY

The beginning of the relationship is always the best part. It's fun and new, and you still butterflies every time you see each other. The end is a different story. Endings are usually messy and hard, and someone ends up getting hurt. No matter who initiated the break up, it's an uncomfortable time and it's normal to have emotions about it.

When you're going through a break up, you are on an emotional roller coaster.

Stage 1: You're confused. You feel hurt and sad, and you keep replaying it over and over again in your head.

Stage 2: You have processed what has happened. You need ice cream and break up music. Stat!

Stage 3: You are pretty sure you will never meet anyone again, and you are destined to be single forever.

Stage 4: You are over it. You think.

Stage 5: It's time to move on and go out with your girls.

Stage 6: You realize you can finally appreciate all the cute guys around. Plus, going out with your friends is so much more fun when you are single.

Stage 7: You run into your Ex, and all of the feelings resurface.

Stage 8: Maybe you're not over it yet.

Stage 9: You blast music and rant about relationships with your friends.

Stage 10: You return to stage 2 for a little while.

Stage 11: You realize you are better off without him, and that everything is going to be okay.

Stage 12: You decided to take some time to be by yourself and not focus on guys for a while.

Stage 13: But then you get a new match on Tinder. Maybe guys aren't too bad, after all? I mean look at that smile.

In the end, you are single now. If you were dating for a while, it might take some getting used to. You go from being with someone who knows all your little quirks and likes/dislikes to having to start all over again. There's no rush to get back out there. That's something that comes with time, and there's something really gratifying about being on your own. In college, especially, you want the space to try to things and meet new people.

I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, and if you broke up, it means that your SO wasn't the one. Plus, if you were still trying to make that relationship work, you wouldn't be available to meet the one. Have you ever heard the song "Closing Time"? The best part is: Every new beginning comes from some other beginnings end.

Just remember, you are amazing, don't let the end of a relationship make you think anything different. And someday you will meet someone that realizes that and makes you wonder why you ever spent time being sad about this one.

14 THINGS TO DO IF YOU’RE SINGLE THIS VALENTINE’S DAY

As soon as February hits, everyone starts thinking about Valentine’s Day. Some people detest it whether they are in a relationship or not, and others refer to it as Single’s Awareness Day. But if you aren't in a relationship, it is really like any other weekend night with your friends.

On this day it starts to seem like everywhere you look there is another couple.

 The day might start off with a bit of cynicism.

But once the evening starts to settle in, you realize it's going to be a great night.

1. Have a Girls Night Out. Break out the cute clothes you got on impulse buys over winter break. It's the perfect occasion for a GNO.

2. Try New Recipes. Does anyone else pin everything recipe on Pinterest but never actually take the time to make them? Pick a theme or a type of food, and choose a few different recipes to try out with friends. You could make a whole meal out of it, or order takeout and just make desert!

3. Have a Party. You don't have to fill your apartment or house to have a good time. Invite some of your single friends over, and who knows by the end of the night someone might have found their Valentine.

4. Plan a Classy Dinner Party. Want an excuse to get all dressed up? Make it a formal affair. Have someone bring a side dish, someone else bring a salad, and break out the nice glasses at dinner.

5. Make a Movie Run. It's pretty tricky to see movies while you are on campus unless you know someone with a car. Now's the time you could catch up on some of the movies you have missed this year on Redbox. Or get your friends and roommates to round up their DVD collections, and plan out your movie marathon.

6. Spend Some Time With Ryan Gosling. See if you can get a collection of Gosling's best roles together. If you don't have a date, you might as well have someone to swoon over.

7.  Get a Group to Go Out to Dinner. Don't feel like making a meal? Plan a group dinner at nearby restaurant, or see if any of your friends have a car to open up your options. You might even want to make a reservation if you know how many people want to go.

8. Find an Event Around Campus. Check out the nearby venues to see if any of the bands you like are coming to town. Or maybe there is some events at popular places on campus or some student organizations that might be worth checking out.

9. Have a Gift Exchange. Instead of Secret Santa, plan a Secret Admirer's gift exchange with friends. Set a $5 or $10 limit, and treat each other this Valentine's Day.

10. Host a Girls Night In. Celebrate your singleness with a night filled with facials, food, and friends. Grab a few movies and your favorite nail polishes. Maybe even combine this with #2 to have snacks while you and your girls are relaxing.

11. Go to the Movies. If you are able to get off campus, check out the latest films with a large popcorn to pass around. Maybe you will even a group of cute single guys at the theater.

12. Go on a Scavenger Hunt. Ever seen the movie Sleepover? Those girls may have been graduating junior high, but that doesn't mean that idea is juvenile. Set your boundaries around campus, and come up with a list of things to find or accomplish. You could even have a battle of the sexes with your guy friends and create a little friendly competition.

13. Make Breakfast For Dinner. For some reason eating pancakes for dinner sounds more fun than eating them as an actual breakfast. Get your friends to pick up whipped cream and maybe even some chocolate chips and sprinkles. If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, you will be extra prepared for a fun night.

14. Attend Someone Else's Party. Just like any other weekend night, someone is hosting a party so you don't have to. Go over to a friends apartment or meet up with friends who have somewhere to go. You might even meet some of your friends' other single friends.

Valentine's Day might seem like a commercial holiday that highlights the fact that your love life is non-existent. But it doesn't have to be that bad! It is another night filled with possibilities. Don't write it off before the it even begins, because it might just be one of the best nights of the semester.

A version of this post first appeared on Her Campus.