WHAT I WISH I COULD TELL MY GRANDMA ON HER BIRTHDAY

Today is my Grandma's birthday. Or at least, it was. They say with time it gets easier, but no amount of time can bring back my Grandma. No amount of time can change the fact that every day I miss her more and more. All it does is put more strain on my memory, threatening all I have left of her. I know that she wouldn't want us to dwell on what we cannot change, and so instead, I want to focus on the light that she brought and continues to bring to me. And so on her birthday, I can't stop thinking of what I want her to know.

Grandma Barb,

Not a day passes that I don't think about you. I know you're watching. Through my good times, through my heart aches, through my failures and triumphs, I can feel you with me. You taught me to believe in God, and I haven't always had the most conventional beliefs about religion, but I can feel your love and His love with me every day. Some days I want nothing more than a Grandma hug and reminder that everything is going to be okay. And most days I still don't truly believe that I can't do that anymore.

A few nights ago, I stumbled upon some old really poor-quality videos that I took of Sydney on my phone when she was a baby. In both of them, I heard your voice and I heard your laugh. And it was one of the happiest and saddest moments that I have had in a long time. It felt so good to hear your voice again, especially when I didn't think I had any record of it.

Every time someone brings up Joel Stave, I think of you and how much you liked him. Can you believe he went on to play for the Vikings? Everyone always rags on him for not being a very good football player, but I think you mostly liked him for his cute blonde-hair-blue-eyes-look anyway, right?

PS: Sorry, Grandma. This picture was pulled from an article called "The Utterly Replaceable Quarterback"

This semester has challenged me in ways that I never saw coming. And there were so many times, I pulled out my phone ready to dial your number, because I needed to tell you everything. I needed your advice. I needed you to know how much I valued your opinion and how much of a role you played in who I am today. You always made a bad day better. 

Recently, I have met some incredible people--people that I couldn't help but wonder if there was a purpose for meeting them. That's what you would have told me after all, isn't it? And now more than ever, I truly believe that. I think that there are certain people that we meet just when we need them most. They might not know it, but they can have a profound impact on our lives. I've never felt more convinced to go after what I want in life. Not just career-wise, but in life in general. 

It's been a messy and confusing time in my life. I have never been so certain, and at the same time so uncertain, about what I want in life. And I know you would tell me that's okay--that I don't need to have it all figured out this minute. 

I can't help but think back to my freshman year of college, when I first told you that I had planned out a class schedule to become an engineer, and you told me that you would support me, but that you thought I was making a mistake. You told me that you had always been able to see the spark writing had given me. And I want you to know, that I think you were right. There's nothing that has given me more happiness, and I think it's all because of you. Some of the times we spent chatting about books are some of my fondest memories.

On your birthday, I want you to know how much I wish I could call you to wish you a happy birthday. As you always told me, thinking of you lots.

Happy birthday, Grandma.
Love,
Your Honey Girl

WHAT IT'S LIKE TO HAVE A BIG AGE GAP BETWEEN SIBLINGS

Anyone who knows me knows that I adore my little sister. Of course I love my other siblings and the rest of my family. But not much compares to the special bond that I have formed with this sweet little girl, and I think our 15-year age difference has made us even closer. 

We are less likely to fight. 

First of all there are a lot of things that we don't have to worry about fighting over. We can't steal each other's clothes, friends, or boyfriends. She has pretended to steal one of my shirts before, though. I almost let her keep it, because it was so adorable for her to even try to pull that. Every once in a while she will try to pick a fight, but it usually just consists of her telling Mom that I am a "meanie" because I would do something like get her ice cream at that very second. 

I get a mini-me. 

Today I pulled out my computer to work on blog stuff while we were watching TV. Before I knew it, she was plopped down next to me with her toy computer. She put her tiny hand on my knee, and even said, "I'm copying you." They say mimicry is the highest form of flattery, don't they? She kept stealing glances at me to see how I had changed my posture, and she would laugh every time I did--even if what I was laughing about when right over her head. It's a pretty incredible thing influencing a kid this way. It makes you feel pretty special. 

Childhood basically never ends.

So maybe playing toys isn't exactly my idea of a good time. But seeing the light in her eyes when we do play is definitely worth it. My favorite is when she starts to imitate things that she has obviously heard an adult say before. Even when she was two-years-old she would say things playing with dolls that I had heard my mom say to her before. It's so cute to see what really sticks with them and how they re-use it in their own way. Plus, having a little sister means I have an excuse to watch the movies and TV shows that I grew up on again. Someone at work once pointed out that every time we were talking about Spongebob I would always say, "I was watching this one with my little sister, and ..." So what if that little yellow sponge still cracks me up? It's great bonding time with sister. 

It makes me realize I don't want my own children for a very long time. 

I don't understand how people my age have babies--I mean I get how it happens. Obviously the stork got lost on his way to a nice older married couples house. But really, I am so far from being ready to take care of a baby, and having a little sister at this age has been so eye-opening to really how much of a responsibility a child is. As much fun as my little sister is, she whines, cries, and pleads for constant attention--and toys! I could not handle a child right now. I have a hard enough time stressing over things like study abroad and what color I should paint my nails next. Thank God for my little sister. 

She made my dreams come true. 

B.S. (Before Sydney), I prayed for a little sister for years. I cried both times my parents told me that I was going to have a brother. I spent countless hours trying to persuade them to try again or adopt me a sister. Once I even asked my mom if she was lying to me all these years, hoping that I had a twin that they had to give away for mysterious reasons. I would dream about what my little sister would be like, resenting my brothers for their gender, because I so hopelessly wanted a little sister.  I even tried to dress them up as a girls a few times. When my mom first found out she was having another baby, I was furious. I was fourteen, and I knew our lives would change forever. I told her that if it was another boy, I was moving out*. But finding out she was a girl was one of the best days of my life. Since then, some of my best memories of her include the first time she told me that she loved me, and the time she told me that I was her best friend. 

1 year ago!

I love this little girl more than words can express. It has been such a privilege to watch her grow up, and change so much. I can't believe she is already 5-years-old--or that I have a sister that is 5-years-old. Happy birthday, little sis! (Even though she won't be able to read this for a few more years...) 

*Admittedly, that was a bit melodramatic. 

**The two in the picture above are not my only siblings! But that was one of the best recent pictures I could find demonstrating the age gaps. 

What kind of relationship do you have with your siblings?