WHAT I WISH I COULD TELL MY GRANDMA ON HER BIRTHDAY

Today is my Grandma's birthday. Or at least, it was. They say with time it gets easier, but no amount of time can bring back my Grandma. No amount of time can change the fact that every day I miss her more and more. All it does is put more strain on my memory, threatening all I have left of her. I know that she wouldn't want us to dwell on what we cannot change, and so instead, I want to focus on the light that she brought and continues to bring to me. And so on her birthday, I can't stop thinking of what I want her to know.

Grandma Barb,

Not a day passes that I don't think about you. I know you're watching. Through my good times, through my heart aches, through my failures and triumphs, I can feel you with me. You taught me to believe in God, and I haven't always had the most conventional beliefs about religion, but I can feel your love and His love with me every day. Some days I want nothing more than a Grandma hug and reminder that everything is going to be okay. And most days I still don't truly believe that I can't do that anymore.

A few nights ago, I stumbled upon some old really poor-quality videos that I took of Sydney on my phone when she was a baby. In both of them, I heard your voice and I heard your laugh. And it was one of the happiest and saddest moments that I have had in a long time. It felt so good to hear your voice again, especially when I didn't think I had any record of it.

Every time someone brings up Joel Stave, I think of you and how much you liked him. Can you believe he went on to play for the Vikings? Everyone always rags on him for not being a very good football player, but I think you mostly liked him for his cute blonde-hair-blue-eyes-look anyway, right?

PS: Sorry, Grandma. This picture was pulled from an article called "The Utterly Replaceable Quarterback"

This semester has challenged me in ways that I never saw coming. And there were so many times, I pulled out my phone ready to dial your number, because I needed to tell you everything. I needed your advice. I needed you to know how much I valued your opinion and how much of a role you played in who I am today. You always made a bad day better. 

Recently, I have met some incredible people--people that I couldn't help but wonder if there was a purpose for meeting them. That's what you would have told me after all, isn't it? And now more than ever, I truly believe that. I think that there are certain people that we meet just when we need them most. They might not know it, but they can have a profound impact on our lives. I've never felt more convinced to go after what I want in life. Not just career-wise, but in life in general. 

It's been a messy and confusing time in my life. I have never been so certain, and at the same time so uncertain, about what I want in life. And I know you would tell me that's okay--that I don't need to have it all figured out this minute. 

I can't help but think back to my freshman year of college, when I first told you that I had planned out a class schedule to become an engineer, and you told me that you would support me, but that you thought I was making a mistake. You told me that you had always been able to see the spark writing had given me. And I want you to know, that I think you were right. There's nothing that has given me more happiness, and I think it's all because of you. Some of the times we spent chatting about books are some of my fondest memories.

On your birthday, I want you to know how much I wish I could call you to wish you a happy birthday. As you always told me, thinking of you lots.

Happy birthday, Grandma.
Love,
Your Honey Girl

SHE CALLED ME "HONEY GIRL"

It's gloomy in Madison today. The sun is hiding. It's much cooler than the last few 90 degree days we have experienced. But I find it fitting for the news I woke up to this morning. In March of my freshman year I found out that my Grandma Barb was diagnosed with ovarian cancer.

Ever since then, I was positive that she would recover. She had to. She was the strongest, kindest person I knew. She taught me to believe in God, so I had faith that she would make a full recovery. Some time my sophomore year she entered remission, and I was confident that she had beat it. A few short months later, the cancer came back with a vengeance. And it was here to stay. 

This morning I woke up to a notification from her Caring Bridge page saying that she had transitioned to her final stages of life. I knew last week when I came home that it was probably the last time I would see her, and it was one of the hardest days of my life. But she wouldn't want me to focus on the negativity. 

Right before we left I started crying, and she told me to find the humor in everything. She never stopped cracking jokes. So, instead of focusing on her illness, I'm writing this, because I want to share the impact that she had on my life. 

She played a big part in who I am today. Whatever I wanted to do, she made me feel like it was possible. When I told her freshman year that I was still considering pre-med, she urged me to follow my passions, because she knew that I wanted to be a writer more than anything else. She wanted me to be happy. 

She took care of us when my mom was working. I loved coming home from school and getting to talk with my grandma. It was the highlight of my day. She was always telling me about books she was reading and giving me books. I was always so impressed by how many books she could go through so quickly. And I wanted to be just like her. 

Grandma Barb and her father

She wanted us to be happy. She walked down the aisle to Bob Marley's "Three Little Birds" when she married her current husband when I was a kid. I keep listening to it on repeat, because I can feel her energy just listening to it. Even in her dying days she was more concerned about everyone else than herself. She wanted everyone else to be happy. She apologized to my mom for the inconvenience she caused by falling and breaking her hip one day when they came over. Who does that?! She broke her hip! And she was more concerned with the distress it caused my mom and siblings. 

She impacted everyone she met. From her random acts of kindness to constantly making people smile, she touched everyone around her. She was someone you could never forget. My grandma is filled with a type of energy that is contagious. I liked to say she was spunky. Her style was amazing: She always had the most colorful clothing and beautiful earrings. How could you not be happy around her? She taught me to be kind to everyone that I met and to try to make someone else's day, because you never know what they are going through. 

She called me "Honey Girl." This is one of the things that I will miss the most. I will miss her hugs. I will miss her pep talks. And I will miss her calling me "Honey Girl." I don't know what it is about it, but it always made me feel comforted. Whenever I was upset, I was embraced with a "Honey Girl, it's going to be okay." And I really believed her. 

There is so much more that I am thinking and feeling, but I couldn't possibly express it all in one post. What I hope that you can take away from this is to always remember how much the people around you are impacting your life. Don't be regretful for lost time, but be thankful for the time you had with them. I am so grateful that I got to be her granddaughter, and while all I want is more time with her, I know that she will always be with me. 

Whether it's a smile to someone at Target or calling a loved one you haven't spoken to in a while, please pass along some joy today for Barbara Jean.

Though you will probably not get to see this, I am going to miss you more than you will ever know. I love you so much, Grandma.