Life in the Lost and Found Bin: Killing Off Your Viewers

Dear TV Producers of my favorite shows,

How did you know that every American yearns to be depressed before the holiday season? That we secretly pray that we will have one more opportunity to bawl our eyes out before we have to put on a façade of being jolly at Aunt Marilyn’s house at Christmas. It takes real skill to have that kind of perception. It must be hard to be so knowledgeable.

We all know you have to go out with a bang before Christmas break to keep the viewers on their toes until the show’s return in January. Logically, your plan was to make them pull out a gallon of Cherry Garcia and furiously search Google for the best local therapist. The weight they’ll gain from all the ice cream will surely encourage them to plop their fat assses on the couch to watch another patient suffer complications in surgery on Grey’s. Let’s not forget the therapist, who will definitely suggest the viewer tune into see another life ruined from a blast on Gossip Girl.

Genius. You guys are so in tune with everything us viewers are thinking and feeling. I can’t even tell you. It’s like you have ESPN. Oh wait—they actually know how to keep their viewers coming back. I think I meant ESP. Was I implying you might not actually know what you’re doing? Hard to say. I mean, killing the innocent husband who everyone loves off of Grey’s Anatomy? Possibly killing off Chuck after he and Blair finally confessed they would only be happy with each other and made plans to spend the rest of their lives together on Gossip Girl? Killing off the man who was going to get sober with Amelia on “the Intervention” two-hour special of Private Practice? Possibly killing off the only reason I watch 90210, Liam? Killing off the best characters is a good thing? I guess you could say I’m confused. But since you’re so smart, you must have legitimate reasons behind killing them off….right?

You may have lost a viewer,

Or 1,234,383

But who’s counting?