WHAT NOT TO DO IN CASE OF A FIRE

My mom has the best of intentions. All she wanted was to make me a nice welcome-home meal when I came home for Thanksgiving break. And stuffed pork chops are just about one of my favorite meals on the planet. I. Love. Stuffing. I can't get enough of it. So I was pretty stoked for this dinner. Plus, I was getting a home-cooked meal from my mom, which made it even more exciting.

I couldn't help but grin as I pulled into the driveway, because it felt so good to be home. My mom opened the door after a few knocks, and I dropped my bags by the door as my dogs greeted me. Mom texted me on my way home to tell me that my little sister had fallen asleep, but we could wake her up if I wanted, because it was still early. When I walked in her room, she had already woken up and had a huge smile across her face. It was the best feeling in the world to see her little smile, again.

We snuggled up to watch Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory as my mom prepared dinner. A few minutes later the fire alarms started roaring. And without further ado, I present you with:

What not to do in case of a fire:

1) Do not assume that there is not a fire just because at your apartment the fire alarm goes off every time you boil a pot of water or use the toaster. 

2) Do not panic at the sight of flames as high as your microwave in a pan on the stove. 

3) Do not scream and scare your four-year-old sister into peeing her pants. 

4) Do not yell for your mom, because you cannot remember how to react to a grease fire--even though you are in your second year of college with your own apartment. 

5) Do not go into full on freak-out mode as the flames seem like they are getting worse. 

6) Do not just stand there in fear instead of going to comfort your terrified little sister. 

So my little sister was bawling, asking if our house is going to burn down. My mom was playing superwoman putting out the fire. And I was trying to pull it together enough to make my sister stop crying. But it doesn't end there. Every fire detector in our house was going crazy, and even after the flames were out they wouldn't shut up. We opened the doors and windows trying to get the smoke out, but the alarms kept ringing.  

I took a broom and kept poking the one near the kitchen, but it didn't seem to do anything. Finally, the noise subsided, and we examined all the damage. It only left behind a burnt microwave handle, and a disfigured bottle of Dawn dish soap.

Turns out, my mom had left oil burning on the stove, and she must have forgotten about it for a few minutes. Afterwards, she tried to propose that "we" would clean it up, and to the tune of Billy Joel's 1989 hit, I reminded her, "We didn't start the fire."

No we didn't light it. But we tried to fight it. We didn't start the fire. 

 P.S. Do not keep singing this song throughout the night to tease your mom. Sorry about that, Mom.

INGRID MICHAELSON TAKES MADISON

Friday night Ingrid Michaelson took the new Memorial Union stage. The concert included on-stage spooning, an attempted paper airplane, and flawless singing in between her sarcastic remarks. I don't think I have ever laughed so much at a concert.

For those of you who may have seen Ingrid at Summerfest or the Basilica Block Party in Minneapolis, this was a completely different show. In part, it was because of the venue and the fact that the audience seemed to have a wider age range. But it was also due to Ingrid's slower set. People sat down almost the whole concert, with the exception of a couple groups on the main floor that would stand and dance during some of her more upbeat songs. It wasn't until the final song in her encore that the everyone was on their feet.

Minneapolis Native Chris Koza opened the show with soft indie-pop beats, including a song he wrote that appears on the soundtrack for The Secret Life of Walter Mitty, "The Wolves and Ravens." Chris and his guitarist played a short set, not saying much in between songs. The biggest reaction he got from the audience was when he asked if anyone was excited for Ingrid to come out.

Finally, shortly after 9 o'clock Ingrid scurried onto stage and opened with the first song on her Lights Out album, "Home." From the beginning it was clear that she was going to be cracking jokes the whole show. "Madison! I love you guys! You should have a square garden somewhere. Then, I can play there and say I have played Madison Square Garden." During "Maybe" she held out "me" in the "you're gonna come back to me" so long that it first appeared that she was showing off, until she held it out so long it became humorous.

One of the best parts of the concert was when Ingrid said, "Oh, you guys are giving me the vapors." Then admitting she wasn't sure if that was the right word, she joked about Siri not being available to answer her question. She was trying to say the audience member's compliments were making her lightheaded from how sweet they were. A few songs later a crew member popped onto stage with a piece of paper for her, which she announced had the Wikipedia definition for the vapors.

From Wikipedia, Vapors includes: "hysteria, mania, clinical depression, bipolar disorder, fainting, withdrawal syndrome, mood swings, or PMS, ascribed primarily to women and thought to be caused by internal emanations. This is related to the similar term female hysteria. Vapors were considered to be the female equivalent to melancholy found in men."

She was distraught with the fact that it was about female hysteria. But then she read "a case of the vapors" is usually used for sarcastic or comic effect, which helped her justify her attempt at using it.

Then she tried to make the piece of paper into a paper airplane as she complained about how bad she was at making them. Finally, an audience member suggested she crumple it into a ball--which still only made it to the front row.

Before her popular "You and I" she told us one of the things she hates is when people call her "Cute." "No! I am dark and twisted and sad", she pleaded. And then she proceeded to sing, "Maybe I think you're cute and funny. Maybe I wanna do what bunnies do with you, if you know what I mean", and had a group spoon session with the lyrics, "But baby how we spoon like no one else."

She played her top hit from Lights Out, "Girls Chase Boys", and some of her other popular songs, including "The Way I Am." But she slowed it down a lot with songs like, "Winter Song" (her duet with Sara Bareilles), "Ready to Lose," and "Over You."

While singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow," she had to restart, because she messed up. "Wouldn't it be great if you could start over at your jobs? Oh, excuse me; can we start this presentation over? Could we just resew this guy back up?" While it wasn't an up-on-your-feet-dancing kind of show, it was still a great show. Her beautiful voice and quirky personality made for a great way to spend a Friday night.

For her encore, Ingrid and her band members sang "Warpath" along to a specific clapping pattern that she admitted to messing up often. She warned the audience not to clap along, because she would mess up and had to start over when someone in the front row clapped along anyway. She finished with "Afterlife", inviting some audience members on stage to dance around them--including a middle aged woman who clearly had a few too many and kept trying to steal the microphone from one of the band members. 

Someone took "We're going to live like there's no tomorrow" a bit too seriously.

COLLEGE GUYS: EXPECTATIONS VS REALITY

Most girls enter college with the assumption that they are about to meet the obviously more mature, intellectual and sensitive creature that is a college boy. His sense of humor has developed beyond that of a fourth grader's, and he wants to have deep talks about things like climate change and what feminism means to him. But then, you actually go to college.

Expectation: There will be confident, attractive boys trying to get your attention.

Reality:

Expectation: You will meet guys who are ready for a mature realtionship.

Reality:

Expectation: These guys know how to make a girl feel special.

Reality:

Expectation: They will be able to tell you how they feel about you.

 Reality:"I like you."

Or more likely,

Expectation:You will meet super attractive aspiring-musicians.

Reality:


Expectation: You will meet guys that can ask the important questions in life.

Reality: 

Expectation: The nerds will be nerdy in an incredibly adorable way.

Reality:

 Expectation: A guy won't leave you with any questions about what he thinks about you.

Reality:

Expectation: The guys will be more openly sensitive.

Reality:

Expectation: You will find a guy that will always look out for you.

Reality:

So maybe college guys aren't everything we expected. That doesn't mean that they aren't still fun to hang out with, and I am sure that somewhere the guys we were led to believe exist by TV and movies are real. They are telling girls exactly how they feel, never leaving them in the awkward limbo. And they find fart jokes repulsive.

The problem is what are you going to do when you find these guys?

COMING SOON:  "You met a cute guy. Now what?"

WILL THE REAL TAYLOR SWIFT PLEASE STAND UP?

The haters gonna hate...hate...hate... Wait, hold up! I am not TSwift. You wouldn't believe how many times people have asked me if I am aware how similar my name is to Taylor Swift. Like. Oh. My. Gosh. I never thought about that before. 

 Love or hate her, Taylor Swift is still a big name in our culture. Her lyrics are pulsating throughout our radios. She is there for your break up--because you are never ever getting back together. Ever. She is there when you are turning 22--because apparently 22 is the new 21. And she is there shaking off all of the criticism, because the haters gonna hate...hate...hate... From the tear drops on her guitar to "this sick beat", she is making her mark on this generation of music.

One thing she's not doing is suffering from all the comments about how similar her name is to mine. Maybe someday we can do something about that when I am a big name in Hollywood (Power of positive thinking, right?). Until then, I continue to face the comments about this unfortunate coincidence. 

1. Did you now that your name is almost Taylor Swift?

What?! Mind Blown.
2. At first, I saw your name and thought it was Taylor Swift. But then I realized it wasn't...

Really? That must have been a HUGE disappointment. 

3. You've probably heard this a million times time, but...

Not again. 

4. I don't know about you. But I am feelin' 22. 

 
 Nope...

5. Can you sing like her? 

I am a professional car-singer. Does that count?

6. Just kidding. She can't sing--trick question. 

 Do you think before you speak?

7. Guys! My roommate is Taylor Swift. (Apparently my roomie liked to joke about this).

Yeah...sure.

 8. Wait, so did your parents mean to name you after Taylor Swift?

 She's not that much older than me... She definitely wasn't famous when I was born. 

9. I'm going to call you T-Sweezy.

 

  Um...please no.

10. *No reference to Taylor Swift*: "Nice to meet you, Taylor!"

Hey! I just met you, and this crazy, but thanks for not mentioning TSwift, Baby.