Pre-life Crisis

To Whom It May Concern:

Some people experience what is come to be known as a “mid-life crisis.” Others of us stumble upon a pre-life crisis. It’s what happens when you know you’re starting a new chapter of your life, but you don’t know how to start it. In a sense, it’s like staring at blinking cursor on an empty Word document, praying for inspiration. The problem with that is a blank page won’t give you any inspiration. I believe in creating your own destiny. Living a life in the Lost and Found Bin isn’t about waiting to find yourself, it’s about going out and figuring out what defines you.

Stop looking in the lost and found bin for something you lost, and start looking for something that you never thought of before. It’s not stealing. In fact, some of the best inspiration can come from somebody else. Some people call it a muse. I call it rediscovering your imagination. While another person can give you the basis for a new idea, it’s your responsibility to run with it and make it into something real.

Lately, all of my time goes to figuring out where I want to go to college. I dedicate my brain power to wondering if I’ll make the right decision--if I’ll be happy. Who knows? Maybe I’ll get there and decide I hate it. But maybe it will end up being the best time of my life. And there’s a possibility that I’ve been putting too much time into thinking about this. I could be over-thinking it. It’s a habit of mine, over-thinking things. I attribute that quality to the writer within me.

Writers think a lot. If we didn’t, we might not have anything to say. And sometimes I don’t have anything to say. Like I alluded to before, I spend a lot of time with blank pages and blinking cursors. For the record, it has never given me any inspiration. How could it?

So this is my pre-life crisis. I’m sifting through the details, trying to decide where I want to spend the next four years.

I’ll keep you posted.

Sincerely,

Unencumbered Rambler

A is for Awesome, B is for Bad

For some a B is whatever. Some don’t strive for much academically or really care about school at all. I envy them. To some degree, I’ve always wanted to be the kid who effortlessly pulled A’s in every class—no big deal. But what I really want is to stop caring so much. It would be easier that way.

In middle school, I was always seen as a “smart kid.” I worked hard, and I got the grades I wanted for the most part. For many reasons high school hasn’t been the same. I beat myself up every day for not being good enough, not being smart enough, just not being enough. I come from a high school with 21 people in the “Top Ten.” It’s intimidating. And I try not to compare myself to them, but I wonder all the time why my hard work hasn’t “paid off.” Why do I spend this many hours studying and doing homework to get less than perfect grades?

My grades aren’t bad by anyone’s standards. I know I’m not going to be perfect. But why can I put as much or more time in than some other people and get worse results?

Is it genetics?

Is it my study habits?

Is it my schedule?

Is it because I over think things?

Is it me?

I’ve been overwhelmed with anxiety the whole time I’ve been writing this post, just because I’m concerned that I’m not getting homework done right now. It’s impossible for me to enjoy other activities sometimes, because I’m concerned about the amount of time I have to dedicate to homework/studying. It’s come to a point where I actually feel like it’s inhibiting my normal functioning.

I care so much about my academics that I am crushed whenever I don’t get the grade I wanted. Because when I spent as much as I did studying, and I looked online to a disappointing grade, I can’t blame my lack of preparation or lack of time.

That’s just me.

I tried my best. And it wasn’t good enough. So many people have told me that I’m too hard on myself, but how can I accept that my best isn’t what I consider good enough?

And what happens when I do what is actually considered “poor” by everyone’s standards? I’m worried about posting this even, because grades are such a “secret” thing unless you really don’t care or you are 

 doing “extraordinary.” The only time it’s really acceptable is when we either

A)Have an excuse that we deem a good enough reason to have done poorly

My  (Fill in sport/activity here) practice went forever last night, and I didn’t get a chance to study

B) Decide it was the teacher’s fault

So-and-So is such an unfair grader. You don’t even know. Your teacher must be so easy, because So-and-So just looks for reasons to take off points. “You didn’t capitalize Florida: D-.”

But you know what, sometimes we do badly. Maybe some people don’t ever do poorly academically. Maybe they could plug numbers into the quadratic equation in the womb. Or maybe they spent their diapers days studying the Theory of Mind and macroeconomics. But no one can be perfect in every regard.*

I bet I can do a round kick (a type of karate kick) better than one in the “Top Ten.”  I also bet that there will be a day in my life that the grades I got in high school don’t matter anymore.

I just can’t wait until the day that they don’t matter anymore, to me.

And when that day comes, I’ll be ready to re-define what I think is awesome.

L is for Loving Life

I is for Infinite possibilities

V is for Vibrant colors to fill your life

E is for Eternity with the people you love**

*This doesn’t include Superman, God (Or whatever deity you may believe in), or Joseph Gordon-Levitt.

**These are the letters that should matter. Disregard A,B,C,D, and F until further notice.

Be Brilliant

Random Acts of Kindness Challenge (Be a Day Maker)

If you’ve ever met me, it’s no secret that I care about community service. I’m all about doing what you can to help other people, because you truly never know what is going on in any one else’s life. You could be the difference in turning someone else’s life around. Maybe you won’t have that dramatic of an effect every time. But just opening the door for someone else or smiling at a stranger could brighten his or her day. You could be a day maker.

So I rarely ask for favors, but this one is pretty important to me. My birthday’s coming up. What comes to your mind when you think of birthdays? Cake. Presents. Friends. Family parties. Silly hats. Candles in the shapes of numbers. Maybe for some: dread, another year of 29, or perhaps, you forget it’s your birthday. Yeah, I’ve talked to someone who forgot his own birthday. It just so happens he has the same birthday as I do! But we are polar opposites, because I start looking forward to my birthday like six months in advance.

 

But I digress. The point is birthdays are supposed to be fun. They are way to celebrate the fact that you made it through another year on this cool place we like to call planet Earth. I read a book a few months ago called The Perks of Being a Wallflower (You may have seen a post I wrote about it in the past). The main character talks about how he thinks he should give his mom a present every year for bringing him into this world instead of getting presents.

 

So for my birthday I have an idea of what I would like—which is always the hardest part for me. My challenge for you is to do a random act of kindness every day until February 17^th. I’m not saying it has to stop there, and if you get the same feeling I do out of it, it won’t. But remember: it doesn’t have to be something big.

 

Just make a conscious effort every day between now and then to do something nice for someone else. Ideally, these people would be acquaintances or even strangers you encounter on your daily routine. But doing things for friends and family is amazing as well.

 

And one more thing: if on February 17^th I saw comments about what you guys did to make other people’s days (anonymous or otherwise) it just might make my day. J

 

(My first act: I made a poster for my younger step-sister wishing her luck for her solo in her choir concert tonight.)

 

Ideas:

• Make someone in your house breakfast. (Even pouring someone in a  rush a bowl of cereal can be helpful)
• Open the door for someone.
• Smile.
• Offer to help carry something.
• Compliment people. (They’ll eat it up! And you just might get one back.)
• Be observant. (Some people just want to be noticed or want people to notice something specifically).
• Pick up something someone dropped.
• Offer to run an errand for someone.
• Help your parents cook dinner.
• Do the laundry.

 

 

I Can Lift a Car (Part 2)

As I said before, I didn’t give up on humanity just yet. Two bands+ three friends+ one cheeseburger + one best chocolate malt ever + one picture with cute guy from the opening band + dancing as I’m packed in a crowd like a sardine = one of the best nights of my life. I know the math doesn’t seem to add up numerically, but if you realize the weight the sum carries, it makes sense.

At the beginning of last week, I planned to write an entire post about awesomeness of last Friday night. But after the way last week turned out, I’ve changed my mind. Last week sucked. The whole week my motto was “I Can Lift a Car.” Every time I needed a little boost I internally chanted “I Can Lift Car. Did you know… did you know that I can lift a car up all by myself?”

When Walk the Moon did their encore, the lead singer told everyone to take all of the bad stuff from the week and crumple it into a ball. They he told us to throw the ball away and lift up a car. It all started with Monday. But I don’t want to talk about it. It wasn’t a bad case of the Mondays or anything. In case you didn’t realize, Mondays are 1/7 of our lives. I’ve learned to live with them.

It doesn’t totally go with it the lyrics, but listen to the song “Iscariot” by Walk the Moon. It goes with the start of my bad week. I listened to it on repeat, and it actually made me feel better. I just kept thinking “Iscariot, you fool.” And sometimes it was directed toward myself. I was mad at someone else, but what’s worse is I was angrier at myself.

The song is about betrayal, likely referencing Judas Iscariot who betrayed Jesus. It says “You can’t trust just anyone.” But that’s part of what brought me back to “I Can Lift a Car.” It’s like saying “I don’t need anyone else’s help, because I can get through this by myself.”

This doesn’t mean I’m deeming myself to a life of loneliness—though I did threaten to become a nun at some point last week. But I realized now more than ever that even simple struggles make us stronger people. Through heart ache, through pressure, through betrayal, we can become better people.

And while overcoming finals week, finishing the first half of senior year, and almost making the biggest decision of my life, I had to remember that everything will be ok, because I can lift a car.

Struggling? First, listen to “I Can Lift a Car.” Second, listen to “Float” by Pacific Air. The first will make you feel empowered; the second will make you feel at ease.

And one more thing, never under estimate the power of a little chocolate therapy.   

I Can Lift a Car (Part 1)

Do you ever have those days with so many consecutive unfortunate occurrences that you stop believing the day could get better? Those days where everything goes wrong. And you start to wonder what you did to deserve it, but at the end of the day, it doesn’t really matter, does it? We want answers to anything and everything; we’re curious by nature. While it might be comforting to be all-knowing, it isn’t why it happens that matters; it’s what we do with what it is that matters.

My afternoon started with the gas pump sticking and gasoline pouring all over the ground/on my car. So I run inside explaining I’ve already paid, but the gas spilled and I don’t even know what just happened. Luckily the guy was super understanding about it, and even gave me a code for a carwash to clean it up. But after sitting in the line, I realize the person in front of me is struggling to get on the track. The car starts jumping around trying to get its front wheel over, and pretty soon it’s in the actual wash part diagonally. After a few moments, I realize the driver has no idea what to do; the lady behind me is texting as I try to get her attention, and I can’t get out of my car. Thank God for technology, I looked up the phone number to the gas station and told them what happened.

“This is Kyle, how can I help you?”

Real reply: “Hi, Kyle. The person in front of me couldn’t get on the track, and is now stuck in the car wash.”

In my head: Hi, Kyle. I’ve just given up all hope on humanity as the middle-aged woman in front of me just spun out in a car wash. I know, I know, it can be difficult to get on the track; these things are tough—not that tough.

“I’ll be right out,” the voice at the other end of the conversation replies, nonchalantly.

Yeah, no big deal. I’M JUST STUCK IN THE CARWASH.

Finally, the lady two cars behind me gets out to see what’s going on, because apparently Kyle didn’t know how to fix it by himself and we’re still sitting there. So I explain I have to leave, and five cars behind me have to back up, so I can get out.

Frazzled and late, I rushed home to get ready for my night of adventure. I’ll leave you with this: I didn’t give up on humanity just yet. I knew there was still hope. And little did I know, I was about to have one of the best nights of my life. One that had me throwing all of the bad crap from the week away, and shouting “I can lift a car.”

To be continued. 

New Year, New You?

Do New Year’s resolutions have rules? I hope not. I’ve never been any good at following rules for these sorts of things. But once I set a goal, I don’t look back. If I have something in mind, unless my mind changes, I get it done. But that’s the other problem. If I decide I don’t want to complete the goal any more, I start to feel like it was all for nothing. Is it wasted time if the path you no longer want to go down brought you to an even better path, though?

At the dawn of the New Year, I’m contemplating one of the biggest decisions of my life. And suddenly, everything I stand for and everything I am is being called to question. I feel like I’m on trial, only I’m both the defendant and the questioner.

Life has changed a bit since I wrote “Some Nights (What Do I Stand For?)”, but some of the lines hold truer than ever. My head is in a completely different place but so is my heart. Maybe at 17 I don’t know who I’ll be at 25. And maybe I don’t know what it’s like to be out on my own just trying to figure out where I fit in the world. But maybe I know what I’m thinking and feeling, and I just don’t want to come to terms with it.

I want 2013 to be about being me and not being afraid of what I think or feel or want.  

I resolve to:

Write more
Read more
Take more risks
Learn a song on the guitar, finally
Write a song
Go outside of my bubble more (go outside more ;))
Try something new
Make a decision

If you’re struggling to come up with New Year’s Resolutions, look no further. Turns out, they have an entire web page dedicated to helping you have a happy 2013.

CLICKHERE for a year of whatever you want it to be.

Take it from someone who’s so clearly amazing at making decisions, and stop thinking about it so much. In 2013, you will have ups and you will have downs. It’s a given; that happens every year. There are some things that you simply don’t have control over. But I’ve found the more energy I put into trying to make the right decision, the further I get from what I really want.

In time everything becomes clear. The best way to kick off a new year is to reflect on what went right with what you did the previous year.

 

 

Middle School Teacher Suspended for Playing Macklemore in School

If you had the chance to read my post "'No freedom 'til we're equal. Damn right I support it"-Macklemore'", I talked about the song "Same Love" by  Macklemore. He speaks out on social issues as well as being open and honest about his struggles with drug addiction. Yesterday on Twitter I saw that he tweeted about a middle school teacher in Michigan suspended for playing this song in school. Macklemore shared the article about the suspension, a letter from one of her students, and he even wrote a blog post about it.

"South Lyon teacher supsended for playing a song about being gay"
Read the full story HERE.

"I believe that Ms. Johnson getting suspended is completely out of line and unjust. However, I think it’s important for moments like these to be exposed and for us to pay attention and respond." (Excerpt from his post.)
Continue reading his blog post HERE.

Macklemore goes on to say "It ["Same Love"] was written with the hope that it would facilitate dialogue and through those conversations understanding and empathy would emerge." Through music we can find a common understanding that can't be found in any other form of communication. Maybe we can't completely cure homophobia or create that kind of equality in the U.S. right now, but if just one person can see a different perspective because of something like this song, it might all be worth it.