WHAT I WISH I COULD TELL MY GRANDMA ON HER BIRTHDAY

Today is my Grandma's birthday. Or at least, it was. They say with time it gets easier, but no amount of time can bring back my Grandma. No amount of time can change the fact that every day I miss her more and more. All it does is put more strain on my memory, threatening all I have left of her. I know that she wouldn't want us to dwell on what we cannot change, and so instead, I want to focus on the light that she brought and continues to bring to me. And so on her birthday, I can't stop thinking of what I want her to know.

Grandma Barb,

Not a day passes that I don't think about you. I know you're watching. Through my good times, through my heart aches, through my failures and triumphs, I can feel you with me. You taught me to believe in God, and I haven't always had the most conventional beliefs about religion, but I can feel your love and His love with me every day. Some days I want nothing more than a Grandma hug and reminder that everything is going to be okay. And most days I still don't truly believe that I can't do that anymore.

A few nights ago, I stumbled upon some old really poor-quality videos that I took of Sydney on my phone when she was a baby. In both of them, I heard your voice and I heard your laugh. And it was one of the happiest and saddest moments that I have had in a long time. It felt so good to hear your voice again, especially when I didn't think I had any record of it.

Every time someone brings up Joel Stave, I think of you and how much you liked him. Can you believe he went on to play for the Vikings? Everyone always rags on him for not being a very good football player, but I think you mostly liked him for his cute blonde-hair-blue-eyes-look anyway, right?

PS: Sorry, Grandma. This picture was pulled from an article called "The Utterly Replaceable Quarterback"

This semester has challenged me in ways that I never saw coming. And there were so many times, I pulled out my phone ready to dial your number, because I needed to tell you everything. I needed your advice. I needed you to know how much I valued your opinion and how much of a role you played in who I am today. You always made a bad day better. 

Recently, I have met some incredible people--people that I couldn't help but wonder if there was a purpose for meeting them. That's what you would have told me after all, isn't it? And now more than ever, I truly believe that. I think that there are certain people that we meet just when we need them most. They might not know it, but they can have a profound impact on our lives. I've never felt more convinced to go after what I want in life. Not just career-wise, but in life in general. 

It's been a messy and confusing time in my life. I have never been so certain, and at the same time so uncertain, about what I want in life. And I know you would tell me that's okay--that I don't need to have it all figured out this minute. 

I can't help but think back to my freshman year of college, when I first told you that I had planned out a class schedule to become an engineer, and you told me that you would support me, but that you thought I was making a mistake. You told me that you had always been able to see the spark writing had given me. And I want you to know, that I think you were right. There's nothing that has given me more happiness, and I think it's all because of you. Some of the times we spent chatting about books are some of my fondest memories.

On your birthday, I want you to know how much I wish I could call you to wish you a happy birthday. As you always told me, thinking of you lots.

Happy birthday, Grandma.
Love,
Your Honey Girl