‘Twas the Night Before Thanksgiving

‘Twas the night before Thanksgiving, when all through the grocery store

Not a turnkey was missing, not even the ones headed for the door;

The pies were prepared and baked with care,

In hopes that empty bellies would soon be there;

 

The men were all nestled snug in their beds,

While visions of stuffing, gravy, and mashed potatoes danced in their heads;

And mamma in her apron, and I in my yoga pants,

Had just finished baking and could do a small happy dance,

 

When at the grocery store the mountain of pies began to disappear,

The shoppers grabbed their cranberries and rolls knowing Thanksgiving was near;

Thinking of what they were thankful for they darted away,

Cupboard full of food they were ready for the next day,

 

The Americans sprang for their beds, for their shopping was done,

And for a time they could rest until they began all the fun.

But I knew they were awake imagining all the foods their stomachs were demanding,

Envisioning sitting on the couch, watching their waistbands expanding.

 

Put the baster down. And back away from the turkey.

Dear Consumers of Thanksgiving Turkey,

I’ve been doing some research on your tradition of eating my ancestors every November, and the results are pretty fascinating, actually. This has nothing to do with turkey making you tired—in fact, that whole story with words like serotonin and tryptophan is what puts me to sleep. No, the real story is about how much you are really consuming on Thanksgiving.

People wonder why America is so obese. Well, you guys dedicate entire days to stuffing your faces. And then you justify sitting on your plump behinds in front of the football game as a time of giving thanks. But when it’s all said and done, did you actually take the time to be appreciative? Or did you just fill yourself with my cousins?

And what about the other foods that want to be appreciated? Think about the stuffing,



the cranberry,



the green bean casserole,



the mashed potatoes,



the sweet potatoes with the brown sugar and marshmallows.

And don’t forget the pumpkin pie.



By the time you finish all of these other deliciously fattening foods, do you really need anything more? No, I didn’t think so. So put those turkey basters down. Give Mom and Grandma the year off, and be appreciative that someone’s looking out for your waistline.
Sincerely,
The turkey that doesn’t want to be your dinner.

Don't Escape It. Embrace It.

“No freedom ‘til we’re equal. Damn right I support it.” –Macklemore

**WARNING: This post contains use of strong language, brutally honest opinions, and a defense of human rights and equality for all.

This blog post goes out to anyone who’s ever felt embarrassed or ashamed or afraid for the way they feel, because no matter who we are or who we love, we are all important. And no one should ever let anyone tell them differently.

Last night a friend of mine said something that won’t stop running through my head. “I think this whole gay thing is just a fad. People just go around saying it, and I don’t think this many people are all of the sudden gay.”

With everything I had in me, I bit my tongue and tried to go on in a polite manner telling her that I didn’t agree with what she said. But it took everything in me not to scream up and down the streets how ignorant she just proved to be.

She went on to tell me about how “some people actually take marriage really seriously” and “it’s a really important thing for them religiously, too.” And this is what really made me blow.

So, you mean to say with a divorce rate of over 50% in this country, and people getting hitched in Vegas, that there aren’t straight people that don’t take this “religious” sanction seriously? What about Britney Spears’s 24 hour marriage? How about your 18-year-old cousin getting married, is she more ready to be married than two men who have already been living and raising a family together?

After going on about how she thought “this whole gay thing” was a fad, she admitted she didn’t actually know any gay adults. Then the other girls, who had been going on about “Voting yes” to pass the marriage amendment and make gay marriage even more illegal in Minnesota, admitted they didn’t know any gay people. AT ALL. That is exactly why you don’t get to say that they shouldn’t be able to get married.

And furthermore, you know plenty of gay people you are so deep in your own little bubble that you don’t realize who is actually gay.

I went home ranting to another friend about the conversation I just had. This conversation deeply upset me, because I have friends and family who can’t be with the people they love because people who don’t know them decided they didn’t deserve to the same happiness as straight people.

The title quote comes from the song “Same Love” by Macklemore feat. Mary Lambert. He goes onto say:

“The right wing conservatives think it’s a decision
And you can be cured with some treatment and religion
Man made rewiring of a predisposition
Playing god, aw nah here we go
America the brave still fears what we don’t know
And god loves all his children, is somehow forgotten
But we paraphrase a book written thirty-five-hundred years ago
I don’t know.”

But the most powerful part comes from Mary Lambert singing,

“And I can’t change
Even if I tried
Even if I wanted to.”

I encourage you to go listen to the song right now. But it’s not the only song that conveys the idea of not being able to change the way you’re born. Lady Gaga—who’s famous for supporting gay rights’—wrote “Born This Way”, a hit single in 2011.

“Whether life's disabilities
Left you outcast, bullied, or teased
Rejoice and love yourself today
'cause baby you were born this way

No matter gay, straight, or bi,
Lesbian, transgendered life,
I'm on the right track baby,
I was born to survive.”

So no, to every ignorant a**hole who thinks that being gay is choice, it is something people are born with. And excuse me if I don’t see the appeal in being bullied and forced to stay in the dark about my sexuality, but I don’t think anyone would ever choose to be gay. I’m going to give you a straightforward comparison. Think about the one person you are attracted to most in the world. You just thought of that one person the second I said attracted, didn’t you? Now imagine if society told you that you couldn’t love them.

You aren’t supposed to love that person, and we are going to do everything in our power to make sure your life is a living Hell because you are f***ing moron. Who do you think you are, loving that person? Think Jessica Alba is hot? WRONG. How f***ing dumb are you? You don’t really love her.

Channing Tatum? No, ma’am. You might think you love him, but you’d be wrong. And you’re going to Hell for that, by the way.

After all, if we really are “One nation under God, with liberty and justice for all” shouldn’t we be trusting God and uniting as a people with freedoms for everyone?

God bless Washington, Maine, and Maryland for finally providing equality. And like my friend brought up over text last night, in fifty years they will judge us just as much as we judge the people who owned slaves. There’s “No freedom ‘til we’re equal. Damn right I support it.”

From Siri to Self-Checkout: the Automated Invasion

Whether or not you own an iPhone, I’m sure you've heard the womanlike voice that responds to your every command.

“Siri, find me the nearest coffee shop.”

Not only does my phone know where I am, but it can now respond to me within seconds with the answers to all my questions. Well, maybe not every question, but why not try?

 

But at what point does the automated voice on the other end of the conversation turn from helpful to just downright creepy? Self-checkout offers a convenient way to get in and out of the grocery store fairly quickly. The weird part comes when I swipe my magic plastic card and a female voice reminds me to grab my receipt.

Someday people are going to say, “Back in my day there used to be this thing called a cashier. And this person would checkout your groceries while making small talk over things like the sale on sweet corn or the snow storm headed our way.” I pray it won’t be followed with by “Now you just swipe your wrist under the scanner, and it draws from your account.”

But who knows what will happen? We are moving away from the personal exchange to a life operated by machines. It’s unlikely we’ll ever have barcodes tattooed onto our skin, but at this point I’m starting to think anything is possible. 

Whether it’s your phone, the self-checkout machine, or the ATM talking back to you, think about the purpose they are serving. Are these electronic people are a step towards a better future or are they just another step toward a society that is completely reliant on technology?

These innovations may have created many shortcuts for us, but will these time-savers leave us with more time to improve society or more time to play on our phones?